You could pin the stratospheric rise of Top Gear in the mid 2000s on one brilliantly conceived segment of the show: the big trip. I remember the first vividly; it involved Clarkson claiming that it was quicker to Monaco from London in an car than public transport, an Aston DB9 was despatched through the chunnel and catapulted down the Autoroutes. The rest is TV history.
The big trips continued to be the best of that era of Top Gear, and of course distilled into Amazon’s The Grand Tour. Of course, we have our very own flavour of big trip, and it’s a rite of passage for any Northern Irish petrolhead: buying a car from across the water.
Where there may be only twenty thousand used cars for sale locally, across the UK there are generally around half a million. This means that if you must have your Mark 7.5 Golf GTI with tartan seats, DSG but with three doors and in a particular colour and miles… you are left glued to the AutoTrader with the ‘distance from me’ firmly set to maximum.
I know this, as rarely a year has went by in my over two decades of driving I haven’t nipped across the Irish Sea for the right car. Or just a billy bargain. The fact I’m moved to write this is no coincidence, as I’m currently somewhere between Holyhead and Dublin returning with my latest conquest. A Jag I-Pace for family duties if you must know.
The anticipation of such a trip is palpable. It always starts the same way, where the casual classified browsing gets turned up to 11 due to man maths or something you’ve seen at a car show or on the road, and the scene is set. Ebay alerts set. Marketplace endured. Even Gumtree gets a cursory check. Pistonheads, Collecting Cars and Car and Classic are bookmarked heavily for searches. Maybe even an excel sheet is brought into the existence, of course under the clandestine filename of Book1.xls.
Without realising it, after only a few days of deep research, you are now the world authority on pre-facelift EP3 Civic Type-Rs. Or L322 3.6V8 Range Rovers (later ZF8 cars obviously). Like Rain Man, but the Autotrader is your Blackjack. You don’t need to sort by ‘Recently Added’ because you know the order of every single advert, and can spot a new entry in an instant.
And that’s when the fun begins, because at this stage you haven’t even dressed yourself never mind booked a flight. Of course many homes have been found on StreetView, businesses on DueDil and sellers on Instagram. But the stalking hasn’t stepped up a gear from sheer voyeurism at this stage.
The new ad. It’s the one you’ve been waiting for. It has the panoramic roof and the heated seats. A combination not seen since an ebay completed listing 114 days ago. And not for that price, with those miles.
And so the Northern Irish motoring enthusiast is propelled into their own Top Gear big trip challenge. Calls to be made. Prices to be negotiated. MOT history and HPI checks to be poured over. Google maps, EasyJet and Stenaline have three browser tabs. Each. The heart rate assumes a high idle.
You lie in bed at night, the secret thoughts in your mind. Its like going on holiday, but you get to go yourself, completely immersed in your own private motoring bubble, and the main attraction isn’t a theme park or the old town.
When the day does finally come and you’re ascending from Belfast International Airport it’s a roller coaster of emotion. What if the seller is a charlatan and the ad is a sham? What if their interpretation of immaculate is poorly painted head to toe. And what do you mean no bacon rolls on a flight to Manchester?
You try to hide your inner parochial bumpkin. Where is the taxi pickup? Do I need to leave my rent-a-heap back empty or full? Am I even on the right train? In our small province where we generally drive everywhere even standing by the buses at Luton Parkway can be daunting.
But secretly, its great. Wee man from Belfast goes on big adventure. Many, many pictures are relayed back to the home team via social media or the ‘ones into the motors’ WhatsApp Group. You play it cool sampling foreign delicacies such as Pret or Waitrose. In fact we’ve been robbed of the joy of a motorway services since they came to Northern Ireland; they along with a Greggs once fell onto this list however I do recommend a stop off at Tebay. Norton Canes is supposed to be fantastic, but only a lunatic would stop on the autobahn which is the M6 toll.
And this brings me on to size. You can traverse the entirety of Northern Ireland in most directions in about 90 minutes. Travel time can easily be tripled with a National Express here and a CrossRail there before you actually get to see a car. Eyes are widened at the discovery that the rest of the world uses long distance public transport on a regular basis.
The actual face to face part of the transaction, well that can be one of the most awkward. A deposit has likely been sent and a ferry likely booked, so time loudly clicks away in the background as you do your best 200 point check. In two minutes. Whilst making awkward conversation.
When it’s bad, you know pretty quickly, as I once found out collecting a Senator 24V in Newcastle Upon Tyne, or didn’t, as it turned out the engine was knackered. Having travelled on a Sunday, there were slim pickings in the classifieds and a crappy Peugeot 205XLD was purchased for £250 just to get home. It turned into the daily for 6 months, silver linings (at a stretch).
When it goes well, money paid and relative confidence in the new purchase established. Well its elation. Just you, the new car, and what is comparatively a highly impressive road network to come home on. You now can relate to what Peak District is, the Dartford Tunnel or the Severn Bridge, all previously mystical places from national news or ITV dramas.
And the ferry. The reward of all this preparation and anticipation. A time to relax, and reflect on a long day with an alien pair of car keys in your jeans pocket. Obligatory car deck photo taken and disseminated, you pull your new wagon onto familiar roads for the first time.
Do it once successfully, and you’ll want to do it all over again. In fact I think I’ll just give eBay a quick check right now…